My heart hurts looking through your memory box. I'll just never understand, 36 is no age. 4 & 7 is no age to lose a parent, we needed you. I remember running across the road with you to catch the ice cream van, I remember our drives singing 'Are You Ready For Love'. I remember you singing 'Crazy' to me. I remember you tucking me in, I remember watching Clifford the Big Red Dog & Elf with you. I remember you always giving me Battenberg before bed. But I also remember mum getting the phone call & her telling us that you'd died and I remember laughing and saying 'don't be silly mummy, we are going to stay at daddy's house at the weekend'. I didn't believe her, I was 4, I was too young. It breaks my heart, I know I am so much like you. My love for a drink and party most definitely comes from you. I struggle to accept that you are gone and it has almost been 14 years. I just wish I could've said goodbye and I wish you could've had longer, I know we would have made the funniest memories. My heart breaks every time I think about it. You didn't deserve this, none of us did. It has affected me in so many ways and made me struggle in ways I really wish it didn't but it's out of my control. It still makes me sob when I think if I need you, you're not there. I can't ring or text you, I can't come and see you. You're nowhere and I have no option but to get myself through each and every day alone. I get chest pains when I am stressed and it's all anxiety. The trauma of how you died has stuck in my head and I now think I'm going to have a heart attack and I will over come it one day but right now, I struggle. I feel like I have no one. Nobody cares as much as I do, nobody gets it. I just feel like I take one step forward to take 100 back. But, I know deep down I am stronger than I believe and I will be okay, I have to be. I just miss you so so much. I've been through so much and I'm tired. I love you Dad, I promise I will come and see you as soon as I can but for now, this will have to do. God bless, Sleep tight. All my love, Mais Xxxxx